need a quick laugh?

[eva 21]

{warning, this is a joke...}

[police man chases down a speeding car. the car pulls over, and the owner leans out of his window...
thinking fast...]

policeman: its late... and dont get me too cross...
owner: my apologies... i can explain...
policeman: oh yeah? give me one good reason, and i'l let u go.
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owner: (leans in and whispers near his ear) i thot u were my x-wife coming after me...












p.s, (its ok if u didnt laugh...)

 

[eva 21]

what paths do mad people walk on...?
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(wait 4 it...)
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(just a litl mor waiting...)
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they walk on the
Psycho-PATH !!!

 

[eva 21]

Bedside Manners


Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[eva 21]

Implements of Math Destruction


At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

[eva 21]

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!

---AHA thought it was dirty, didn’t you! ---

(hahahahaha)

 

[eva 21]

little johnny asks his dad, "is God a man or a women...?"
he says "both"
then he asks "is God black or white"
and again he says "both"
then littl jonny asks "oh, is God michael jackson?"

 

[eva 21]

April.
(note to b taken:this is a christian joke)

April...
She wasn't the best sunday school student... she tended to fall asleep all the time, so one day while she was sleeping, the teacher called on her n asked "who created the universe?"
( n of coarse she was sleeping n didn't hear her)
so a little boy next to her (named adam) pokes her with a pen n she wakes up n yells "god almighty! "
the teacher,surprised,said "very good..."
(n she fell back to sleep again.)
later on, the teachers asks "tell me april, who is god's son?"
and again adam came to the rescue n poked. she woke up n yelled "jeasus christ! :evil: "
teacher,surprised again... said "very good..."
(n she fell back to sleep again)
still later on, the teacher asks "tell me april, what did eve say to adam after their 23rd child?"
n again johnny poked.
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..
...
this time, she got up n yelled :x "you stick that thing in me one more time-& i'll break it in half n shove it up your ***!!!"

 

[eva 21]

Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Paul's friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

 

[eva 21]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," :roll: said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. :geek:

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," :?: asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

[eva 21]

robert is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he spots his friend standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over, and notices that his frend is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

robert gets out of the car, walks all the way out to him and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
the frend replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks robert, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

 

[eva 21]

It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
a broke writter stops by at his wealthy friends house...
he finds that his frind is miserabl and unhappy...
this is what he says:
"ah...
money...
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed,
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find"
:twisted:

 

[eva 21]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

 

[eva 21]

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously. :!:
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!!!!!!!!!!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this!! :!:
I work at the 7-11...!"

 

[eva 21]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attached them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[eva 21]

what about u?
any thing to share...?
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: